Nursery Rhymes
by Hikaru Yoru
Summary: Gin enlightens the Espada on nursery rhymes.
1. I'm a Little Tea Pot

Summary: Gin enlightens the espada of human nursery rhymes.

A/N: Hi! Demon again. I dunno why, but nowadays, I'm starting to think more like Gin. And by that, I mean thinking up of practical jokes that he would pull. Or whatever you would call this. Mortification?

Oh. And if my story in general will have a bunch of mistakes. Grammar, spelling, whatever.

Please tell me if there are some.

Disclaimer: Bleach is non mine.

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**I'm a Little Tea Pot**

I relished the fact I was sitting in Aizen's seat at the head of the table. I felt almost as conceded as the bastard himself. Anyways, the espada were also seated around the table. I couldn't help but grin at their puzzled/pissed off faces.

"What the fuck is going on?" grumbled Grimmjow irritably.

"Yes, Ichimaru." Ulquiorra surprisingly agreed, "What is the meaning of this? I thought Aizen-sama called together this meeting."

Honestly. What a teacher's pet.

I merely smiled, "Well, Aizen's birthday is coming up soon. I was thinking that we should surprise him!"

"How so?" inquired Hallibel.

"I thought you would never ask." I replied with a grin, "Well, he just _loves_ nursery rhymes, so I thought we should throw him a concert!"

"Concert?" repeated Nnoitra, "What the fuck is that?"

Alas. I forgot how stu…..errr….._ignorant_ espada could be.

"Well, a concert is an event where an individual musician or a group of musicians, e.g. a choir, band, or orchestra, performs in front of an audience. In this case, our audience will be Aizen."

Szayel appeared mildly interested. Actually, scratch that. _Very_ interested, "So I can sing K-pop?"

I fought down the urge to gag, "Umm…no. _Nursery_ _rhymes_. Only nursery rhymes."

"So what the fuck are nursery rhymes anyway?" asked Yammy.

I sighed. Ignorant _and_ foulmouthed. One of these days I'm gonna wash all their mouths with soap. A _lot_ of soap, "A nursery rhyme is a short song or poem for young children, especially one that has become traditional."

"It sounds like you memorized the dictionary definition." remarked Aaroniero.

I still can't get over how creepy he is. She is. It is. _Whatever_. I smiled sweetly, "Oh, no. It's all up here." I point at my gorgeous skull which contained my brilliant brain, "Anyways, I'll start with this one." I even did the hand motions that went with it.

_I'm a little tea pot_

_Short and stout_

_Here is my handle_

_Here is my spout_

_When I get all steamed up_

_Hear me shout_

_Tip me over and pour me out_

"What the fuck…." began Grimmjow with a disgusted/annoyed expression on his face, "…was that?"

I ignored him, "So who's gonna sing this one?"

"You seriously think _anyone's_ gonna sing that shit?" asked Yammy incredulously.

I ignored the tenth espada also and just stared at him.

This resulted in a Yammy with a rising pique, "What the fuck are you staring at me for?"

"You should sing that song." I finally decided, pounding my fisted hand into my palm.

How cute (::cough::not in the least::cough::). He started spluttering, "Wh-what the fuck?!"

"I mean, you don't have the short part, obviously, but you sure are stout." I continued as if he never spoke. I was never good at hearing idiots anyway. And for those of you who are wondering if I value my life, I am an _expert_ at fleeing.

Yammy growled, "Do you wanna die?"

"Nope. Not in least." I replied cheerfully.

Grimmjow appeared thoughtful, "You know something, I can actually see where the foxy creep is heading at."

Me? Creepy? How rude. There are people _tenfold_ more freaky than I can ever be. For example, at the current time I am surrounded by them. And a fox doesn't represent me at all. I'm more of a….I don't know….A…..An albino naked mole rat! _That's_ it. (And yes, it must be specifically that sort of creature.)

"What the fuck do you mean?" growled Yammy.

Nnoitra was the one who answered, "You have a fucking temper."

"And Ulquiorra is usually the one who soothes your temper tantrums." added Szayel with a sugary smile, "Or, should I say, tip you over and pour you out?"

I grinned. This was turning out better than I thought.

Ulquiorra looked confused, and clearly not on the same page as the rest, "Why would a human want to be a tea pot?"

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A/N: Okay, there's my first chapter! Please review and stuff if you want me to continue with the concept. Oh, and if you have any ideas of your own, like which nursery song would match which espada, please let me know! And don't forget. REVIEW


	2. Ring Around the Rosy

A/N: Ooooooooo this story is receiving a lot more love than I thought (to my standards, at least. Jes, that is very low)…..

So you know what that means?

KEEP REVIEWING!

Yes, I know I'm being a tyrant.

But for me, reviewing equals motivation.

(And I have sooo little of that…)

Disclaimer: Bleach not mine.

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**Ring Around the Rosy**

"Okay!" I announced, "Here's the next song going up for grabs!"

"No one's gonna want it." Grimmjow told me bluntly.

Oh? What's this? He didn't curse?

_The world is coming to an end._

Or at least, one step closer to it at any rate.

Back to the task at hand, I ignored him, "Okay, with this song, you have to get up and hold hands. Then-"

"It sounds fucking gay already." muttered Nnoitra, "Hey! Szayel, you're gay, sing it!"

"What?!" protested Szayel, "I am _not_! Stop assuming that I am!"

I sighed. Yes, I think Szayel is gay too, but it would be extremely nice if they just let me finish saying what I need (want) to say, "I think we _all_ think that."

Szayel turned to face me, cheeks red, "What on earth made you think I'm gay?!"

I hid my growing annoyance with a grin, "If ya really wanna prove us all that you're not gay, I think there's this test of some sort that analyzes cells from a certain part of the body. If you have larger cells, then you're gay. Oh. When did you have puberty?"

Szayel blushed even redder, spluttering, "That's personal! Why do you want to know?!"

I pause for a moment. Is he hitting on me….? Or worse yet….Does he think _I'm_ hitting on _him_? _Repulsive_. I suppress the urge to express some form of discontent, "Because if you had it early, it's a sure sign." I inform him with a cheerful smile.

"Are you fucking me?" asked Grimmjow incredulously.

"Nope."

"So it's a genetic thing." summarized Hallibel.

"Yes." I replied, "Now, back to what I was say-Szayel, where are you going?"

"I'm going to prove all you people that I'm not gay!" the gay espada announced dramatically.

Good lord.

This time, I couldn't hide the fact I was getting a bit irritable when I smiled, "Maybe you can do that later. (Though I doubt you'll get the results you want, I muttered under my breath) Don't ya wanna impress Aizen with your singing?" That guy is always desperate for a chance to showcase his (nonexistent) talent.

Szayel thought about it. After a few seconds he finally said, "Only if I can sing k-pop."

I felt a headache coming on, "But Szayel, it's only _nursery_ _rhymes_."

"I know a Korean one." countered the gay idiot. And _yes_, I am fairly irked right now.

I tried desperately to retain my cheerful disposition. That, and restrain myself from using Shinso. Mainly the latter, "Fine. Anyways, as I was saying, you grab a couple people and hold hands to form a circle; then run around. In a circle. And when you sing 'fall down', you _fall_ _down_." Before anyone else could aggravate me with pointless comments/questions, I sang the song.

_Ring around the rosy_

_A pocket full of posies_

_Ashes, ashes_

_We all fall down!_

Did I just see Grimmjow's eye twitch? _Beautiful_. The sixth espada scowled, "That was fucking _worse_ than that last one…"

"At least it was shorter….." grumbled Nnoitra.

"I think Baraggan should sing this one!" I decided merrily. Oh, how I love to appear seemingly random!

The old coot glared at me, "Why?"

Well, since you all know I enjoy possessing a superiority complex, I couldn't help but explain the background of said ditty a _little_ bit smugly, "This song is actually based on the Black Death/Plague that occurred in Eurasia around the fourteenth century, killing over fifty million people. And since you like rotting things, I thought it would fit."

Grimmjow and Nnoitra stared at me, "Seriously?" They asked at the same time.

"That's what the song is based off of?" Nnoitra started at me wide eyed.

_Wait_….did he not cuss either?

"But it's too fucking…._cheerful_…." said Grimmjow once he found the right word.

I shrugged, "Weeeellll…..that's just how it is."

"Can I sing it?"

Time seemed to stop when the voice spoke. Once I managed to mechanically get my head looking at the said person, I found that the other espada were already staring.

"What?" asked Ulquiorra, clearly too stupid enough to realize why we were all staring at him.

Grimmjow was the one who answered. I couldn't bring myself to say anything at the moment (No, this does not count as speechlessness), "_You_ want to sing _that_?

Ulquiorra was just as impassive as ever (How does he do it?), "I find it interesting that humans create cheerful ditties on depressing matters such as death."

I sighed. I should have figured as much. Apparently, I was silent for too long.

"So can I have the song, Ichimaru?"

He sounded so serious, I had to force down the urge to laugh. I grinned, "Actually, I have a different rhyme in mind for you."

"I thought you said we can choose."

Darn him. I decided to change tactics, "You do, but wouldn't you rather hear the other songs I have to offer?"

"Hey, if you don't give Ulquiorra the song, then can I have it?" asked Grimmjow.

"No, I want it!" snapped Nnoitra.

Grimmjow glared at the eighth espada, "I asked first! Fuck off!"

What. Was. Going. _On_?

"I thought you two didn't like the rhyme." pointed out Hallibel in a bored voice.

My thoughts exactly. I forced on a smile, "Now, now. No need to fight. There are _plenty_ of nursery rhymes to go around." _Sheesh_. What children.

Baraggan scowled, "This song is mine, you imbeciles. Wait your turn!"

I just sat there, smile plastered on my face. I take it back. Not turning out better than I thought….

Even better!

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A/N: This one's a bit longer than my last chapter, huh? Hopefully you people like it.


	3. The Itsy Bitsy Spider

A/N: I'll try to keep requests in consideration, but that means I have to double up. Actually, do you people want me to cover as many nursery rhymes as humanly possible?

Of course, if I have the time.

And if you think Aizen wants to sit through a gajillion rhymes.

Or if Gin wants to teach all of them to the espada.

Cuz originally I intended for one nursery rhyme (which connected somehow) to one espada.

Of course, that is up to popular consent.

(Damn. Looooooooonnnnng a/n…)

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**Itsy Bitsy Spider**

This time, I just jumped into the song I wanted to give out next (aka, assign). Again, I even did the hand motions.

_The itsy bitsy spider_

_Went up the water spout_

_Down came the rain and_

_Washed the spider out_

_Out came the sun_

_And dried up all the rain_

_And the itsy bitsy spider_

_Went up the spout again_

This time, it was Ulquiorra who spoke first, "Interesting….It seems to reflect human behavior."

I sighed. Why must he turn everything to a psychoanalysis (or whatever you call this) of some sort?

"Why the fuck is that?" asked Yammy.

"Say the 'spider' is a human, and the 'rain' is all the outside forces which act upon it to delay the 'spider' from its goal of climbing 'up the spout'. It doesn't matter how many times the 'spider' is put down, it will still continue to go 'up the spout again'." Ulquiorra explained quite monotonously.

"That's what she said…." muttered Nnoitra with a snicker.

I don't get the joke. Do you get that? Cuz I don't.

Grimmjow blinked, "I guess that makes sense…"

"It can be applied to everyone." I said. If they wanted to be smartasses, then whatever, but I _am_ the genius here, so I might as well put them all down, eh?

"How so, Ichimaru?" inquired Ulquiorra.

I decided to take the yaoi approach, "Well, for instance, take Grimmjow and Kurosaki Ichigo."

Grimmjow gagged.

"Grimmjow is always desperate for Kurosaki's phone number." I elaborated with a grin, "Did you get it yet?"

"Wh-what the fuck?!"

Isn't it so fun to rile up the espada? I think so.

I continued, "And take Yammy and Ulquiorra for instance."

Did Yammy just blush? Nah, must be his make-up.

"Yammy is interested in Ulquiorra, but Ulquiorra doesn't give two bits."

I continued still, "And take…" This one was probably one of my favorites, "SzayelxNnoitraxNelliel."

Everyone stared at me.

"_What_?" asked Nnoitra, dumbfounded that he heard his name in the mesh.

"What exactly do those three names have in common?" asked Ulquiorra in his dull, monotonic lull.

"Weeeeelll…." I breathed before diving into my min-ramble, "Szayel likes Nnoitra, but Nnoitra obviously doesn't like that, and Nnoitra likes Nelliel, but won't admit it and tries to kill her instead. In other words, he likes him and he likes her. A love triangle!"

Yes, I admit that I am somewhat of a fan boy.

"I AM NOT GAY!" the hopeless pink haired rainbow protested.

"How the fuck did you get the idea that I liked that vixen?!" bellowed the spoon with an eye patch.

I grinned and turned the conversation from literary analysis (or whatever you would call this) to a different kind of analysis, "So who do you think should sing this one?"

Nnoitra glared at me, still a bit pissy with me for (correctly) accusing him of liking the former third espada, "Do you always have to fucking ask that?"

I smiled, "Nnoitra should sing it!"

He spluttered, "What?! _Fuck_ no!"

Grimmjow appeared thoughtful, "I kinda see the foxy creep's point…."

"You said that forty minutes ago." said Aaroniero to no one in particular.

And I already said that I wasn't a fox. I am an albino naked mole rat.

"Well, Spoonhead's a fucking mantis, isn't he?" asked Grimmjow, "And spiders have a bunch of legs too…..so that's why I thought it fit."

Wow. My thoughts _exactly_. Creeeeepyyyy…

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A/N: Thank you moonblossom15 for suggesting the song! (Hmm….What should Hallibel sing….?)


	4. Humpty Dumpty

A/N: Sup! Demon, here!

Review! XD

Disclaimer: Bleach does not belong to me, nor the books mentioned. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

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**Humpty-Dumpty**

I rubbed my hands together, trying to figure who I wanted to humiliate….errr…..anger….errr…

Yah.

ANYWAYS…

I let my eyes go over each espada for a second or so. I wanted to get the boring ones (as in espada) out of the way first so I can relish at the juicy ones. My eyes fell on Zommari.

Eh…heh…heh…heh…..

"Okay!" I announced with a clap of my hands, "Here's the next one!"

Grimmjow rolled his eyes. He rested his elbow on the table and placed his cheek into the palm of the arm of said elbow, "_Great_."

I ignored the sarcasm in his voice, "I'm _so_ glad you think so!" I said in an annoying teenage girl voice. I launched into rhyme:

_Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall_

_Humpty Dumpty had a great fall_

_All the king's horses and all the king's men_

_Couldn't put Humpty together again!_

They all stared at me. You know, just between you and me, this was getting old. Me lecturing them on human culture and them thinking that I make all this up on the spot. _Sigh_…

"Okay." said Nnoitra, "That was just weird."

"Who is this, Humpty Dumpty?" asked Ulquiorra.

Grimmjow snickered, "Sucks for him whoever he is."

Don't you think it's so cute how they take everything so seriously?

"Humpty Dumpty is an eggman." I explained.

"Are you fucking _kidding_ me?" Grimmjow blurted out, "How is that fucking possible?!"

"I'm hungry…" Yammy muttered.

Starrk snored in response.

I decided to tease them a little bit, "Well, you know, he was a regular human when all of a sudden, mad scientists hired by the kingdom grabbed him and used him for experiments."

Grimmjow, Nnoitra, Yammy, even Ulquiorra had these wide-eyed expressions on their faces.

"That fucking _sucks_…." muttered Grimmjow.

"I feel his pain…." grumbled Nnoitra moodily. He went on to complain about the stuff Szayel did to him and what have not.

Barragan stared at them, not amused, "He's merely fooling around with you, you twits!"

None of the idiots listened to him, of course.

"Okay!" I announced as I rubbed my hands together, "Who wants it?" I didn't bother to wait for an answer, "Zommari! You look interested."

He looked up from his book, "Huh?" It was something about Buddhism. Or maybe it was the _Communist Manifesto_ or _Mein Kamf._ You can never tell with espada. Or should I say the stuff Aizen infects their minds with. As if they weren't already messed up to begin with…

"You get to sing Humpty Dumpty!" I replied happily.

Grimmjow snorted a laugh all of a sudden. He must have gotten a sick joke out of the name somehow….The usual suspects joined in as well.

Zommari returned his attention back to his book, "I'd rather not."

"Aww…come on!" I whined, "It fits you _perfectly_!"

He stared at me, "Are you saying that I look like an egg?"

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A/N: Sorry for the wait. Sorry for the lame chapter. Sorry….


	5. It's Raining, It's Pouring

A/n: I'm touched by all the reviews, truly, I am. *sniffle*

I'll get to the requests soon-Promise.

Disclaimer: Yah…The rhymes and what have you: Not mine. As you know.

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**It's Raining, It's Pouring**

SNOOORRRREE…

I glanced at Starrk irritably. Yeah, I know it's his thing, but when you're trying to earnestly mix prank with enlightenment, then you would think that one would at least _try_ to pay attention. I rubbed my hands together, "Alright! Next!"

"When's lunch?" Yammy asked pointlessly.

"Up your ass…" grumbled Grimmjow moodily, "But seriously. When's the foxy faced creep gonna give us food? I'm starving!"

As the children began dissenting, I forced a smile on my face. Luckily, I came prepared for this. From underneath the table, I pressed a button (that magically appeared there, of course) and viola!

"HOLY FUCK IT'S FOOD!" yelled Grimmjow excitedly, drool pouring out of his mouth at all the tantalizing sights and smells.

Well, I think you might be as curious as I am as to how espada _can_ eat to begin with. Ya know, with the hole and all.

Just as they all began to grab the food, I pressed the button again. And yes, the food flipped back into the table. My smile was genuine this time.

"Now, if we just go through one round of assigning rhymes, you can eat. Agreed?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever!" gushed out Yammy (just between you and me, I'm pretty sure he was willing to kill his own little doggie at this point), "Just hurry up!"

_It's raining, it's pouring_

_The old man is snoring_

_He went to bed and bumped his head_

_And couldn't get up in the morning_

I made sure to sound extra bubbly when I sang the song and I must say it worked out _wonderfully_.

Grimmjow covered his ears, "If the next fucking round of songs sound like _that_ I'm going to fucking kill the person who invented rhymes…."

"Too bad the person's already dead." I deadpanned, "Alrighty who wants it?"

"Hmm…It is interesting how human adults teach violence and such silly things to children." muttered Ulquiorra.

Aaaaaaaannnnd other than that it was completely silent. Well. With the exception to Yammy's tummy.

"HURRY UP YOU FUCKERS I'M STARVING HERE!" he yelled.

"I vote Starrk." said Hallibel in a bored, indifferent tone.

SNOOOOOORRRRREEE…

I whipped out a judge's mallet from my sleeve, "All in favor say 'aye'."

"Aye."

I slammed it once on the table.

Starrk didn't wake up.

I did it again-this time even harder.

He still didn't wake up.

I banged the darn thing until it broke.

SNOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE EE….

I tossed the useless handle somewhere behind me and sighed. Why do I even bother?

"Ichimaru…" asked a very watery voice.

I looked up with a near-glare, "Yes, Aaroniero?"

"What about me?"

Hmm…good question. What _about_ you?

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A/N: No, seriously. People, I have no f-ing clue.


	6. Oranges and Lemons (And the ABC's)

A/N: Ahhhh I'm soo sorry for the wait. Being lazy School and a writer's block got in the way of updating. Thank you all for suggestions if you gave me any. Hope this doesn't disappoint!

Disclaimer: Yah, you get the point.

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**Oranges and Lemons (And the ABC's)**

"What. About. You?" I said in a punctuated manner.

"Yeeeessss…." it replied.

I don't think I ever told you this, but I seriously do not like this…_thing_…Thus, instead of a song that fit it in some way or another, I decided on manifesting my dislike. Which is a perfectly fine thing to do. Obviously.

"Okaaaayyy…." I drawled, "How about this one?"

Before I could sing anything though, Ulquiorra interrupted me with a piece of devastating truth, "I thought you said we could choose."

I stiffened (hopefully) subtly, "Yes, but Aaroniero wanted me to choose for him." She. It. I don't know!

"But she never said that." was the darn espada's retort.

"It's implied…" I managed to say through gritted teeth.

"Just get on with it!" roared Yammy, "I'm fucking hungry!"

Snooooorrrreeeee….Went Starrk.

Grumble, grumble…Went the other espada.

I didn't do any introduction (since I was THAT irked), I just launched into rhyme.

"'_Here comes a candle To light you to Bed_

_Here comes a chopper To chop off you head_

_Chip chop chip chop-The Last Man's Dead'"_

Yes, there are six lines before those three, but I just wanted to get to the good part (and also let out my anger in a more positive way).

"Aren't there six lines before these three?" asked Aaroniero.

Err…What?

Grimmjow peered at him, "How the fuck would you know?"

"I want that rhyme instead…" whined Nnoitra randomly.

Instead of answering, Aaroniero just sang in its watery voice:

_" 'Oranges and Lemons' Say the Bells of St. Clement's'You owe me five farthings' Say the Bells of St. Martin's'When will you pay me' Say the Bells of Old Bailey'When I grow rich' Say the Bells of Shoreditch'When will that be?' Say the Bells of Stepney'I'm sure I don't know' Say the Great Bell of Bow"_

The thing goes on the explain that the last three rhymes aren't usually sung because its too violent for little kids and that there's a game that goes along with the song…blah, blah, blah.

Jerk. Stealing my place as a connoisseur…

Wait. How does he even know all this to begin with?

"Do I have to play the game, too?" it asked.

Quite frankly, I was done. With _it_, "Would you like to sing this one instead?" Without waiting for a response, I sang:

"'_ LMNO and Z._

_Now I know my ABC's_

_Next time won't you sing with me?'"_

Grimmjow had his hands over his ears, "Fuck. What was that?"

"A song intended to teach young humans the English alphabet." I replied on reflex.

"They all sound the same…" Ulquiorra intoned (with a slight hint of marvelation ((yes, I made up a word)) ).

"You _just_ realized that now?" asked Hallibel exasperatedly.

I forced a grin at it, "So? How about it?"

"I'll stick with the other one…" muttered Aaroniero.

Ha. I win.

"Can we eat now…?" groaned Yammy.

After a moment of silence, Aaroniero asked, "Ichimaru. Do you dislike me by any chance?"

I forced another smile, "Why would ya think that?"

I hate your guts.

Well. Not as much as Aizen's though.

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A/N: Bonus points for the person who can tell me which form of Freudian repression was mentioned in this chapter!

Thank you lonelydream17 for suggesting the rhyme! (The website was really interesting.)

On a different note…I make these guys WAY out of character…


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